Welcome to My Battle....Yes, I am Luke Skywalker!

Yes, it seems that I have watched Star Wars one too many times because this is what keeps running through my head. The paralles are incredible to the battle that is waging on in my own heart. Oh, how easy it would be to "give into the dark side" There would be a type of freedom in giving into hate. To divulge myself in the ugly bitterness and selfishness that is daily knocking at my door. Don't I deserve, for once in my life, to hate somebody? I have always been a keeper of the peace. I have never had bad feelings for someone beyond a general dislike, but oh how hate is teetering on the brim of my mind.

These past couple weeks I feel like I have been really good about dealing with this. My attitude and perspective have been fairly positive. Today is not one of those days. I am tired of being strong.....my thoughts betray me. I am so angry that my perfect life has been turned upside down; that my family has been torn apart! This is an easier battle when you are hurt by someone you love (at least for me), but when the attack also comes from an outside source the battle becomes considerably more difficult. I keep picturing a little army man with a certain persons face taped on it, sitting on the table and I (in my maturity) walk up to it and flick it in the head..... sending it flying out of my life. Or in with sticking to the Star Wars them to "strike him down" If I could actually do this in real life, it would have been done weeks ago. Yes, giving into hate would be good....for a second.

To quote my wonderful pastor down here in Houston, "It would be like eating chocolate covered dog food" It would taste sweet for a moment, but in the end it would leave me wanting and unsatisfied. What would I really gain from giving into hate? Bitterness, anger, and ultimately extreme unhappiness. So the battle wages on.... I daily have to fight to keep hatred out of my heart. Without Christ ruling in my life, there is no way I could ever win. It is ONLY with a heavenly perspective that I can move towards forgiveness. The road is long and bumpy and I have only just begun (and I mean I have maybe moved my big toe), but I am moving. Refusing the allure of something that looks as sweet as chocolate, but holds a nasty surprise inside. I do this only because I REFUSE to live my life chained and tied down. I want to be free in the beauty of forgiveness .

"Never. I will never give into the darkside"

I know many of you will understand what I am refering to here, but for those of you who don't....just know that my family is going through a really difficult time. I don't feel like now is the time to share the details out of respect for everyone involved. This is my way of communicating my feelings without going into the nitty gritty.