Raw Emotions

Christmas and I are having a little trouble getting along this year. I am walking the fine line of all the pomp and pageantry of Christmas and wishing I could just skip Christmas all together. Over the past couple months,I have been trying to bury all the pain of this year deep down. Shoving it way in the tiny corner of my heart, pretending as best I could that it wasn't there. The problem with that is that it usually comes boiling up like a geyser and shoots way higher into your soul than you ever expected. This whole Christmas season, I could feel it rising inside me and last night it finally gained enough strength to burst up and boil over the edges of my heart....leaving me raw and scard. I let myself dwell on everything, all the things I have been avoiding. Memories of perfect Christmases past and the realization that I will NEVER experience them again. They are lost with so many other precious things that I held dear and believed in. I felt anger and sadness... and lost hope.

I scrounged through it all and when I got to the bottom of the pile there was only one thing left that I knew would never change. The one thing about my Christmas that will remain "normal"... Jesus. He never left or  changed through all the chaos of my life. He is so much more precious to me this Christmas then he has ever been before. I am holding his hand so tightly, squeezing every ounce of strength that I possibly can. The sad thing is that it took me losing so much for me to experience Christmas the way it really should be... focusing on the Savior who gave up EVERYTHING so that I could truly live. I can't help but feel the weight of that! He went through way more pain and discomfort then I am experiencing.... and I am not even talking about his death. His coming to earth alone would have been like hitting a shock wave. The only tangible thing I can compare it to is going on vacation in paradise and getting a call that your child is in prison facing the death sentence. So, you tear yourself away, without a thought, and rush to that jail where you know your child is sitting. You walk into the cold prison, knowing full well what you are about to do. They agree to let you take your child's place. You spend thirty years walking those cell floors, knowing in the end you will still face the death sentence. ............. a love like no other. Gratitude. 
Oh, Lord.... I love you! My soul overflows.....

So, I am moving on and getting refocused. I felt the weight of my pain, but the time has come to move in a different direction. I will allow myself to experience Christmas in a new way... and I be that much better for it. I am not going to allow the chains of memories and wishes hold me down. "The time has come the walrus said...." Yes, the time has come. JOY TO THE WORLD!