Venting

I don't blog very much anymore. Really, I have sort of pulled out of the whole blogging world for awhile. I needed to clear my head and get refocused. I was being sucked in by images of perfect mothers with perfect blogs.... I wanted to be one. I wanted to have tons of followers who thought my life looked pretty good.... maybe it would make me feel more secure. So, I took a break (part of which was forced since I didn't have a computer that worked for over a month) and it has been really good. I feel like I have given my insecurities up and I am refocused. I don't know how much I will really be able to blog now that I am weeks away from baby boy arriving. If this one is anything like Addi girl, then I will be pretty busy.... not to mention  I will already be chasing a very active 20month old around the house.


    So, speaking of insecurities.... that is what has brought me to this page today. I got hit hard today and the only thing that will make me feel better is writing about it. I have a hunch that most women deal with it, but few rarely talk about it.  Yah know, being MISUNDERSTOOD. I know I have mentioned it before on a post or two before, but it has been creeping up a lot lately and I just need to get it out.


    I recently had a friend who titled her blog "Wanted: Friends" or something along that line. I wanted to stamp a big red Ditto behind it. I have lived in Houston 2 1/2 years and I still have yet to find a close friend. I guess I should explain that I don't do "casual" friends well. Meaning, a friend is not really a close friend to me unless I can call her up and say, "hey, it's me". I get that I am not that easy to get to know. I am a horrible small talker and tend to just hide in the corner, hoping nobody will notice.I don't try to put walls up, but I am sure that I do. I think I am pretty cool though, once you get to know me. I have often wanted to ask somebody, " so what is it? why does nobody seem interested in being my friend?" Although that seems like something that should come out of an eight year old, I am seriously curious... kinda. Part of me really doesn't want to hear what the other person might have to say.
     However, I have to say that Houston has been hard, especially on the friend realm. I have a hard time relating to a lot of people here. It's not like Nebraska. Money seems to be rather important to most (not all) people and let's just say..... we don't have a ton. I am not used to wealth and things being so highly valued. The women I knew back home were stay at home moms who had to scrape their pennies together to make ends meet. That is what I know... what I am comfortable with. It is a life that I choose for myself a long time ago. But money isn't the only thing, my interests/enjoyments/views/priorities just don't seem to line up. Some days I feel like an alien living on another planet. It can be kind of lonely. I just want somebody who gets it.... me. I know many women who move to a new place deal with it. Some for years and years... it can take time. I have just never been known to be extremely patient.
    And then there is motherhood. I think most mom's struggle with comparison. I am not even talking about comparison of their children (which happens a lot too), I am talking parenting methods. I think it can be really easy to forget that we all have different children and have to approach things differently. For example, Addi has been extremely resistant to other people ..really up until a month ago. Whenever I left her with anybody other than Andy or I she would cry and cry and cry. SO, Andy and I have really held off leaving her with other people simply because we felt bad for the person watching her. I don't care if she cries, but what babysitter wants to be left alone with a crying baby for hours? Not me. Poor Addi girl is so misunderstood too. I get the feeling that many people think she is cold and angry because she isn't one of those babies who will just smile for anyone. A parent who has a happy-go-lucky baby (or no children at all), however, may not get it. I feel like I get perceived as a mother who is too afraid to leave her kid with somebody..... SO not true. I would happily leave her with a sitter, but the sitter would have had to be checked into a mental hospital by the time she left.
   The truth is, I am so guilty of comparisons too though. I am a pretty laid back parent. I don't tend to freak out over "minor" things. I didn't call Addi's pediatrician once and I only took her in for shots. But that is the thing, they are only minor to me and I can't be the judge of that for other parents. I guess I am encouraging us all to cool it on the judging aspect and take a moment to try to see it from other eyes. (and maybe nobody is judging me at all and I am just putting this all on myself)


    Insecurities. That's all it is. Insecurities about appearances. Thankfully, I am pretty good at catching it right away and taking it straight to God, but sometimes they will continue to peck on my mind and I let them get the best of me. I feel like when I put it out there and actually say it...acknowledge it, then it is easier for me to move on. I KNOW that so many other women deal with it and maybe we can all work through it together. Why do it alone? For me personally, it only tends to keep growing when I keep it shoved in a corner.


P.S. I am going to try to blog more. I love it. However, it is all based on how much free time I will actually have. Thanks to those who let me know they  miss my blog :) It makes me feel really special knowing that you actually care and enjoy reading.