A Selfless LoVe...

I have been thinking about this for awhile now.... how hard it is to be a mother. I have wanted to write about it, but the words just never came. Today, it all came to a front and suddenly words are pouring out of my mind.

It has been a hard week. Addi has been extremely difficult and I am exhausted. I don't know if she is acting out more than usual or if I am just used to being one on one and now it's two on one..... and I can't keep up. Throw in some serious after pregnancy hormones and lack of sleep and you have a hot mess.

Today she pushed me to the limit and I lost it.

                                                    She saw me at my worse.

It took everything inside of me not to throw in the towel and lock myself in my room. The refiners fire is burning hot and strong and I about crumbled underneath of it today (who knew it came in the shape of a cute little curly head blonde).

                My impurities and imperfections are numerous.

 I am extremely impatient and selfish. Normally, they aren't tested so intensely and I have sometimes convinced myself that I have worked them out, but today proved that they are still there and as ugly as ever.

By the time Andy got home, I was on the very last string and it didn't take long for it to be broken. I didn't even realize I was yelling until Andy kindly reminded me that I didn't need to take it out on him. All I could say was, "ALL DAY.... IT'S BEEN LIKE THIS ALL DAY!"

                                              It was then, that I saw myself....
and it was then that I finally decided that it was time to take a time out. So, here I sit. The only thing that will soothe my soul is to bring myself before Christ and lay it all down..... and to this computer and spill it all out.

        Thankfully tomorrow is a new day and his grace and forgiveness never end.

I pray everyday for the patience and love to parent the way Christ calls me to. It's never easy and I stumble sooooo often. I want so badly to be the mother she needs me to be. I don't want her to look back and remember that I was always on her case. I want her memories to be sweet. Yes, I have/get to be her parent and that means that there will be days where discipline is required, but hopefully it will be done not out of anger, but love. I have a long way to go..... a lot to learn.

So, keep the fire burning as the impurities will only melt away as the fire burns on.. some days hotter than others.