Today, as I write this post on my dear friend, Elizabeth's blog, I am broken hearted.
I wish it were a cheerful post, but today, my heart is raw. But I think raw is authentic, which is truly my best side.
My name is Marianne. Ebeth and I went to Kenya together and God ordained us to be roommates. So grateful for that because this girl is in my life forever. :)
One of my identities lies in what I do for a living. I am a social worker. I work in an HIV clinic. I love my job. I love what I do. I feel like it is a mission of mine to represent Jesus in all aspects of my life.
Being a social worker in an HIV clinic, death always rears it's ugly head. I thought that with time, and experience, death gets easier. But, it doesn't.
Today, I found out one of my patients died. And it tore my heart open. It is tearing my heart as I type. This man had many complications, including cirrhosis and renal failure on top of the HIV diagnosis.
I remember I was at the front desk on my birthday. And I had a hat on all day that said happy birthday. He reached in his wallet, and gave me two dollars. I told him I could not and would not accept it. He said that it was all he had and he would have given me $40 if he had it. He had no source of income. My heart melted. Because this man was willing to give me everything he had.
And I know that is the heart that people will miss. My coworkers and I grieved in our own way.
I started to feel bitterness seep its roots in my heart. I had to tell my dear friend and coworker Tolu, the bad news. And we shed tears together. And my brilliant prayer warrior said, "Let's pray."
And as we begged the Lord to hear our hearts cry, I started realizing where the bitterness was coming from. He shed light to the poison that was coursing through my veins.
I told him it was hard. I told him I wanted to shut everything out. And he consoled me. Helping me realize that I do not want a heart that never feels pain. Being numb is not the solution. And it further takes you away from feeling anything at all.
So I sat, with a torn piece of my heart, grateful for the sorrow. Grateful that I can feel. Grateful that he wired me to care about his children so much that the loss of one shakes up my world. I know where my client is. And he is at peace. Therefore, so am I.
Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18.